Pratful Princes, Sloshed Knights andPoultry
by Mara93
Summary: Arthur's habit of throwing things at his servant gets him into a heap of trouble with his love, Guinevere.  Hence, he comes up with the grand idea to cook her dinner.  Arthur Merlin friendship/banter  Gwaine, Gwen  Crack fic!


**Pratful Princes, Sloshed Knights and…Poultry**

**Rating:** K

**Disclaimer:** I disclaim. Merlin and its characters are the property of the BBC/Shine.

**Genre:** this is crack, silly, hopefully fun

**Spoilers:** Takes place sometime after season 3 so if there are any (which I doubt), it's for S.3

**Characters:** Arthur, Merlin, Gwaine, Gwen (Arthur & Merlin (friendship) mostly, but with a good portion of Gwaine and a bit of Gwen)

**Written for** **camelot_love** 's Drabble Tag January 2011 Round 1: Free-for-all

**Prompted by** **noodlesishere** : _"Gwaine teaches Arthur how to cook."_

_It was Merlin's fault that he was in this mess._

For the second time in just one week.

The soiled prince grumbled back to his quarters in defeat. Once again he was going to have to find a way to appease burning tempers. Just this time, he wouldn't go to his servant, nor the useless knight who got himself too sloshed to help worth a fiddle.

***Before***

"No."

He'd _barely _asked the question.

"What was that?"

"No."

"You do realize that as my servant you're expected to answer _yes _when given an order, right?"

"That and that you're an egotistical prat who says he's all about equality at some round table, but then when all the danger is over he goes right back to his imperious high-handed ways."

"Idiot. Are you going to help me?"

Merlin let out an ironic roar of laughter. "Nope."

"What if I put you in the stocks?"

The servant didn't bat an eyelash. "Been there. Done that. Had the hardest vegetables and all including gargantuan potatoes. Rather take their wrath than the fallout of what you're asking."

"And what do you mean by that?"

"Simple, is it not Sire? I don't want to be blamed for Camelot burning down."

Arthur railed warningly. "I could put you in the dungeons."

"Also fairly acquainted with them. Other than a bit of dampness in the air, really not much worse than what you're asking me to do. I don't want any responsibility for _Camelot Aflame_."

"How about _Merlin Ablaze_?"

"_Hah, hah_, funny, but changes nothing. Bumbling servant I may be, idiotic enough to go with your idea, I am not."

"MERLIN."

"Ah, give it up Arthur, he's _not _going to do it."

The leather vest clad prince scowled as the red scarved servant peered sideways at the new person in the room. It was the ruffian knight Gwaine, who sauntered into the prince's chambers without invitation. His expression was as pitiful as the prince's.

"Why so glum, chum?" Merlin asked with nerdish cheer.

"_Women_, you try to spread the charm, love…" _Sir_ Gwaine lamented, bringing one foot upon the prince's bed with nary disregard for its well made state. His dark eyes lifted to the ceiling with morose pondering as he continued listing his _fine _attributes . "Strength, pleasure…"

Arthur, with a roll of his eyes, noticed irritatingly how the knight's muddy boot sole was messing up his decorated scarlet bed spread.

Merlin watched with dry dismay. _Would have to clean up the lot._"She found out, didn't she?"

Gwaine turned to Merlin with _vain_ dismay. "Not only she, but so the _other _also."

Merlin snickered. "Two lost in one day….ah."

Gwaine moaned pitifully.

Arthur, reaching his limit, swept at Gwaine's dirty foot attire. "Get that filthy boot off of here. Your petty two-timing women problems are the least of my concern right now Gwaine."

Behind the prince, Gwaine made a mocking monocratic expression.

Merlin watched with a laugh.

"What is so funny?" Arthur's head whipped around, as he tried to spot the culprit, but both servant and knight feigned purity.

"Nothing." Merlin shrugged.

"Same as my mate Merlin said." Gwaine smiled innocently, before coming out with off-the-cuff panache, "So what's got up your royal bum Arthur?"

The prince glared. No matter what he did, said, tried, Gwaine just opened his mouth and let fly any honest observance with little care for protocol. Good thing he was so handy with a sword, unlike his hapless servant who really had no call to deny him and yet he too, could be so unobservant of royal expectation.

"That's _Prince _Arthur to you Gwaine."

"Touché. _SIR_ Gwaine to you Ar-Prince _yada yada_."

Merlin interjected with helpful levity, "Actually the prince is having his own feminine issues, aren't you Sire?"

"Merlin, you'll be screaming like the sorry girl you are if you don't shut your mouth."

"Awww…" Gwaine slapped Arthur on the back as the prince sat down dolefully on his bed, pushing the knight marginally to the other side. "What did you do this time to offend her? And hey…" Gwaine winked artfully. "Let me know if you're ready to call it quits. I have a perfect replacement right in hand. Handsome. Full of strength and charm, not to mention it even sounds better. _Gwaine. Gwen_. Slips off the tongue so fitly, don't you think?"

Merlin tittered.

Arthur _smoldered_. "Knights are not exempt from brutal retribution for loose lips. Keep your tongue where it belongs!"

"And obviously princes fail often enough in the category of gallantry." Gwaine deadpanned.

Merlin shook his head at them both. Sorry lot really. Gwaine was despondent because after trying to court two women at the _same_ time, seemed both had found out of the other, and were most likely furious with him. As for Arthur, well his issue was that he was a clotpole and Gwen was smart enough to have figured it out, giving their novel relationship a _time-out_.

"You would think that Carlina would be honored that I'd want to be with her so much that I wouldn't dare spoil it by telling her about Fiona, and that Fiona would be so grateful to me for loving them both, but uh…"

Merlin's eyes rolled.

Gwaine, _perhaps needing rest_…settled himself comfortably upon the prince's bed, acting like it was his very own, as Arthur scowled away his ridiculous complaint. "And you wonder why I don't want you anywhere near Guinevere?"

"If she was _my _woman she'd be the only one."

Merlin waited. _Just a moment or two_. Gwaine could be a bit fickle about _long _term commitment.

"Well, that is…"

Arthur pushed the knight off the bed to fall to his rump. "She's NOT your woman. She's _mine_."

Gwaine laughed, tush barely affected, heart or libido probably injured more by the outraged reactions of each of his now defunct relationships.

Merlin boldly reminded Arthur, "_Was _yours. And uh…better not let Gwen catch you saying it that way. She's already giving you the silent treatment."

"Which is completely your fault!" Arthur railed back, white face flushing to tomato ruddy.

"_My _fault? For what?"

"You know why! It all happened two days ago, when like an idiot you failed to duck fast enough and got hit by that flying saucer."

"Which YOU _threw_ at me! She stood up for me, huh? _Good_. Absurd how you say it's my fault for not having magical ability to foresee you throwing a dangerous object my way."

"_Magical ability?_ Wouldn't that be hysterical? Like _you, MERLIN _could have any kind of abilities of sorcery!"

Merlin frowned, secretly thinking, _if only he knew_. "Just another reason why I don't want to help you…_you_…dollophead!"

"Such a _Girl_, Merlin!"

"Well at least I didn't _vex_the woman I love."

"You wouldn't be able to get a woman if your life depended on it. You're scrawny and gangling."

"And you're fat and corpulent!

"I am NOT-wait corpu-_what_?"

"Means fat prat."

"MERLIN."

Gwaine crowed on the floor, enjoying the quarrelsome show.

Arthur lifted his boot to kick at the fooling knight's backside.

Letting out nothing more than a mumble of complaint, Gwaine rolled around on the floor like a snickering child.

"So what did she say?" Merlin asked amid the bedlam.

_What did she say indeed? _Arthur listlessly recalled…

_"Did you just hit him with a saucer?"_

_Arthur turned at the familiar voice. Affectionately he smiled. "Well it's just Merlin. Only my servant. He'll be fine. He moved towards her. Maybe they could snatch in a few moments in his room. Sure they had kissed in the courtyard once, but still they weren't too widely advertising their relationship, with the king yet to fully recover from the Morgana-Morgause debacle._

_Guinevere was clearly not having it. She stepped just into the room's entrance, stance firm. "Only your servant, you say? And yet you call yourself a prince, Arthur Pendragon. You could have hurt him, humiliated him."_

_"It's Merlin, Guinevere! He doesn't care."_

_"Have you ever asked?"_

_"Why are you being so defensive about this?"_

_"I just think you should treat him with a bit more respect. I understand that you two regularly bicker back and forth. It's amusing. But hitting him with heavy objects, that's going too far Arthur."_

_"It wasn't that heavy. It was just a saucer and I'm sure he's fine. Like I said, he's just a servant. He can take it."_

_That raised her ire. I'M just a servant Arthur. So are you going to start hitting me with saucers?"_

_His eyes widened. "NO, of course not. You're a woman. I would never-_

_"So it's a man thing?"_

_"Yeah…" Finally she seemed to be getting it._

_"A foolish boy thing."_

_Uh…she wasn't giving him a happy look back. "You're still angry aren't you?"_

_"What would you do if Merlin hit YOU with a saucer?"_

_Arthur didn't hesitate. "Give him an afternoon in the stocks."_

_"Because he's a servant."_

_Bloody hell. "Eh, Guinevere, it was just in fun."_

_"Maybe for you. Are you so sure for him?"_

_His temper got the best of him as Arthur realized he wasn't going to get any kiss or temporarily inappropriate snuggling. "I don't know. I never asked him. This is stupid."_

_"Oh." Guinevere grimaced tightly. "So now I'm stupid."_

_"NO. I didn't say YOU'RE stupid. I said this is. Merlin never shuts up. Servants are supposed to be quietly obedient, but he's always flapping his lips. He deserved to be hit with a saucer. I'm the noble. He's the servant. I can do what I want."_

_Guinevere's dark eyes widened. "Is that so?" She lowered to her knees mockingly. "Oh well then excuse me Prince Arthur. I'm so sorry to have taken any of your time. I won't waste another minute."_

_"No-wait-Guinevere!" Arthur yelled. How in all of Camelot this thing escalated into such a calamity he couldn't even venture to guess. He could just tell she was far from allowing him any bit of affection._

_She raised up off her knees, uttering before she shut the door tight, "Good Day Prince Arthur."_

_Groaning, he hit his back against the wall. Good-for-nothing day where good-for-nothing servant royally screwed everything up._

The prince's retell done, Gwaine resided on the floor, amused by the fallout.

Arthur crossed his arms over his front. "_That's _why it's all Merlin's fault. If he'd just moved his head and big ears fast enough, none of this would have occurred."

"Or maybe you should have used your tiny brain." Merlin countered.

"_One_more. Just one more and I swear Merlin I will call the guards. Idiot."

Deep under his breath, Merlin muttered, _"Fatter Pratter."_

Gwaine laughed at the thread of insults, suggesting, "I can teach you Arthur."

"You know how, Gwaine?" Merlin asked with wonder.

"Sure…" Gwaine waved his hand as if it was silly to suggest he couldn't. "Been on my own long enough."

Arthur grinned. "_See _Merlin, someone who knows how and is willing. Thank you Gwaine. We will start tomorrow. Early."

Merlin's response was derisive. If the prince would just apologize for what he'd done, Gwen would probably forgive him. But to go rounded about it in this way, typical dumb Arthur move. "You honestly think this is going to work?"

"Of course it will!" Arthur left the room blithely, calling back with good measure. "Need to MUCK up the stalls MERLIN!"

The servant/sorcerer groaned. Worst part of being Arthur's manservant.

Gwaine chuckled before jauntily announcing. "Ah, well I'm off to the tavern."

Merlin's look questioned. "Do you think that's such a good idea Gwaine? In the past you've gotten kind of crocked."

"Sure, why not? Need to do something to slosh away this mood those two women left me in. I'll leave early. Just a couple of tankards and I'll be off. Easy simpleton!"

_Uh-huh_. Merlin wasn't so sure, but still refused to take the role himself. Stocks and dungeons he'd take any day over teaching the Prince of Camelot…

_How to cook a chicken dinner_.

**TTT**

The next morning Merlin was abruptly awakened by his master's untimely clamor.

"MERLIN!"

Gaius, roused out of his sleep too, gave Merlin a cantankerous _'you better go' _look, before turning the other way, and returning to his snoring.

The morning was _just_ beginning to dawn. _Ridiculous_. Lumbering with sleepiness, tunic messily hanging out of his trousers, Merlin reached his master's quarters. Opening the door to the shock of Arthur _up_, dressed, and his bed even-

Merlin gawked with eagle eyes.

"YOU MADE YOUR OWN BED?"

Arthur's look was disdainful. Couldn't waste another moment. Her _formality _was grating intensely. "Get Gwaine now. We'll do it at his home."

"Do what?" Merlin asked, distracted by the hugely cushiony red-blanketed bed that was taunting his eyes and sore limbs. _Oh, sleep._

"MERLIN, DID YOU HEAR ME?"

"What?" That was such an assault on his sensitive ears.

"IDIOT." Arthur lifted and swung it down. Briskly his tool belt made contact with Merlin's _idiot _head.

That completely roused Merlin from his neglected slumber. "_Ow_, isn't doing things like that what got you into this mess in the first place?" He rubbed at his sore head.

"No Merlin. YOU got me into this mess. Now, move."

Merlin mumbled under his breath. _"Something wrong with your vocal cords that you can't do that yourself?"_

"What was that?"

"_I said_…It takes a strong man to admit that he can't learn how to cook by himself."

Arthur stared.

Merlin shrugged.

_Sounded good in his injured head_.

**TTT**

They reached Gwaine's. Merlin checked his bed, _everywhere_, and then remembered. "_Oh-oh_. I warned him."

"You warned him of what?" Arthur asked distinctly, poking with his sword at the bits of untidiness around Gwaine's home. "Maybe this is why my father has only allowed nobles to be knighted. _Awful_."

"Uh…" This was NOT going to be a good morning. "I'll just go look for him. I think I might know where he'd be."

"The tavern?" Arthur asked jokingly.

Merlin didn't laugh.

Arthur's blue eyes widened. "NO way. He went to the TAVERN last night?"

Merlin, _feverishly desiring rapid escape_, let out before he passed through the door, "Maybe."

**TTT**

Several moments ticked by.

As Arthur was trying to find an uncluttered place to sit, he heard it.

_"WHOA, Merlin my buddy pal, you're the best friend ever, you know that! BEST of the REST."_

They came through the door, Merlin hunched over as Gwaine fully leaned against him, something in hand. "OH, it's the Prince! Ha! Bow Merlin, I'm going to bow. Bow a Wow!"

Arthur frowned with consternation as a tanked Gwaine bowed falteringly, offsetting a disorderly vase from the pine table.

"OOOps. _But er_. Look. Brought the chicken Arthur! SEE! Let's BOOK!"

In Gwaine's hand was a rubbery chicken close to what Arthur had attempted to prepare that time in Guinevere's house.

The prince angrily corrected. "That's _COOK_."

"Oh yeah, ooops. My medieval bad mistake. Hah-whoa….everything's turning. _Spin spin spin_."

Merlin pitched Gwaine up against the counter.

Arthur warned. "Don't you dare leave me Merlin. It's obvious HE'S not going to be able to teach me how to cook."

Merlin handed Arthur a vial. "Here, Gaius said it should help with most of it. Might just take about-well-a few bell tolls for it to _entirely_ set in. _Uh_-bye Arthur! Have to go muck out the stables. Master's orders!"

The door closed with fervent rapidity. The servant ran for his life to the horse stalls, never more relieved to have the obligation of cleaning them out.

Arthur groaned.

As Gwaine…

"Hee, Dozens and dozens of pickled eggs and big old tankards of Mead. Now let's hook!"

Arthur grabbed the vial and moved towards Gwaine with threatening force. "First, drink this.

And it's—

COOK."

**TTT**

It was too hard to pass up. So with the stables cleaned, with _magical lightning finesse_, might as well have a bit of fun_, right?_

Merlin knocked at _her _door.

Gwen busily put down the broom. Her day at the castle started late, but she had much to do before.

"Coming." Her expression was somber as she opened the door.

Merlin grabbed her arm. Time was precious. "Come on, you have to see something."

"Well good day to you too Merlin. What-can you let go of my arm please?"

The servant shook his head. "Not yet. Just, come on. You can't miss this. Hah, _I _can't miss it."

"Miss what?"

"Gwaine's teaching Arthur how to cook."

Her eyes widened with puzzlement. "Uh, why?"

"Because you won't talk to him of course. Oh and thanks by the way, for standing up for me."

Gwen set down the broom. "You're my friend Merlin. Of course I would stand up for you. If he wants to be king, he needs to learn a few things first. Like how to treat all people with decency."

Merlin smiled. "Right. Well you know Arthur has a hard time apologizing so he asked me to teach him how to cook."

"And you said no?"

"Yep."

She approved with satisfaction. "Good for you."

"Gwaine offered too. But one problem."

Now with Gwen not resisting, Merlin pulled her along toward Gwaine's small bucolic residence.

"One?"

"Uh-huh. Gwaine went to the tavern last night."

Finally, Gwen's amusement. She'd witnessed Gwaine's comical drunken ramblings before.

"You're right, we _can't _miss this!"

**TTT**

"Okay, so first we need to chop off its head."

Arthur tried to keep his composure. _Someone_ would pay for this. "It's already chopped off." _Hmmm…how about chopping away a certain servant's head? _Nah, the vision of a decapitated Merlin babbling incoherently in his dreams was enough to conjure screaming nightmares.

"Right." Gwaine unsteadily lifted his finger. Whatever was in that vial that Arthur gave him tasted N-A-S-T-Y, but at least it made his wavering eyesight clear a bit. "Okay, so we want to remove the biblets."

Arthur scrunched up his nose. Sounded sickening and weird. "Biblets?"

"No, that's not right. Uh-siblets."

Gwaine didn't look sure. Arthur tapped his foot. _Patience. Patience. _Patience is some stupid kind of virtue.

"_That's _right, GIBlets!" Gwaine clarified. "Okay, so wash your hands well."

"Already done."

"And reach in there and tear out the giblets. Uh, wait maybe more gently just…_errrr_…whoa it's bright in here."

"GWAINE." The prince had his sword at his side, his dagger at the other, and his fingers were itching at each handle.

"Right, so remove the giblets Arthur Prince."

Arthur stared at the knight, ignoring the scramble of his title. _Was he asking him to do it? What exactly were giblets anyways?_ "I'm not reaching in there. _You _do it."

"I thought you wanted to learn how to nook."

"It's COOK." Merlin would pay for this. He would be baked alive. "Fine, what do I have to do?"

Gwaine gave a silly grin. "Eh, just get your hand up its butt and take them out. You know, giblets, squishy wishy things."

Arthur peered into the hole that Gwaine was referring to. "You _can't _be serious."

"Yep. Go on Arthur!"

The prince, feeling extremely squeamish, in his head cursed his unhelpful servant, as his fingers searched around for the-

_What in all of Camelot did giblets feel like any-_

"Oh! ARggghhh."

"Think you found them! Now pull them out Arthur."

Arthur's face scrunched up with revulsion.

"Ooooops forgot, need to get out its kidneys too. Could be a biiiiiiiiiiit further back."

Merlin. _Roasted Merlin_. Arthur thought darkly.

**TTT**

Meanwhile, said servant and friend Gwen had arrived at the back of the house. Gwaine, but mostly Arthur, could never know that they were there. Merlin realized as the door had a lock on it that there was only one way he was going to pry it open. "Uh, Gwen, can you get me a stick? You know, check around the side of the house."

"Okay." Gwen moved toward where Merlin directed.

Making sure she was out of sight, eyes flashing gold, Merlin whispered a word in the old language. The door unlocked.

Gwen returned with the stick. "Here, now how are we-

Curiously, she noticed how the door was already opened. "Merlin, the door was just closed, locked."

Merlin shrugged. "Gwaine's drunk I told you. Probably didn't lock it that well. Come on…"

Getting down to their knees, they crawled quietly inside. From the front room, the house having no more than two, they could hear the ruckus.

"That's it Arthur. Get it out."

Thoroughly disgusted, Arthur removed from the chicken some red shiny wriggly substance.

"That's it. Got the kidneys. Now, next we need to wash the bird."

Merlin and Gwen hid where Gwaine had a few bags of seed stocked. Merlin couldn't believe it. _Arthur reached inside_. Miracle he hadn't fainted. Arthur never did anything for himself, especially something so mundane (_albeit unsettling for the squeamish_) as prepping poultry.

"Put it in the bin there Arthur." Gwaine instructed and after Arthur laid the chicken down in the container, the knight reached for a bucket of water. His equilibrium still askew, Gwaine dumped the bucket on the bird faster than intended. The water splashed violently.

Arthur tried to keep hold of the bin, but with the huge tidal wave, it toppled to the side and-

"Oh MY Go-

Merlin quickly moved his hand over Gwen's mouth as he too had to fight hard to keep from exclaiming. The chicken had toppled out of the bin and went sprawling onto the dirty floor with a loud splat.

"GWAINE."

"_Ooooppsa daisy lazy raisy_…what is it that Merlin says?"

"_DON'T _mention his name!"

"Well don't just stand there Arthur. Come on. Let's pick the chicken up."

Arthur groaned. This was servant work. He killed the thing, didn't cook it, take out its insides and-_oh for Guinevere for Guinevere for Guinevere_. For his manhood before it roasted over too! He lowered down to the floor next to where Gwaine was leaning over.

Gwaine had the chicken in hand, but in his still half drunken state, "Oooooppps…slippery! Catch Arthur!"

Merlin and Gwen were down on the floor, shakily plastering their hands to their mouths. They could barely breathe for all the laughter that wanted to escape.

Arthur tried to move into position fast enough, holding out his hands to catch the flying chicken. Away from Gwaine's teetering handhold it rose into the air and sailed into Arthur's steadier one, but for a few fingers that didn't grip tight enough.

_Splat_, once again went the poor chicken, hitting the ground with a squishy thud.

Arthur rolled his eyes. This was the worst idea he ever had.

"You were supposed to catch it Arthur!"

The prince thundered at the hapless knight. "Well you weren't supposed to drop it in the first place!"

Merlin and Gwen watched with stupefied looks as finally Arthur and Gwaine managed to pick up the chicken off the dirty floor, and Arthur commenced its washing.

_"I'm not eating that."_ Guinevere whispered with revulsion. _Had to be diseased by now with how many times they had mistreated the chicken's preparation._

"Worse than rat soup probably." Merlin added with remembrance.

Guinevere scrunched her nose. "Ugh."

Gwaine recalled now that the spices needed to be added. He told Arthur to ground the pepper.

Arthur, _nearing a state of fury_, whipped out his sword and smashed its blade into the spice. Then, taking out his dagger, he hacked hard.

Guinevere watched with shock.

Merlin giggled, before she reminded him to keep quiet.

_They were out of control._

Gwaine stared at Arthur's cutting, but said nothing. The pepper wasn't _exactly_ prepped correctly, but still Arthur gave a satisfied smirk. "There, _ground_ pepper "

"Fine." Gwaine told him to powder/rub it in as he added oil. Unfortunately, he accidentally knocked the bottle down, drenching the chicken.

Merlin snorted as Gwen bit hard at her lip.

Gwaine and Arthur turned around.

Frantically the spies ducked.

"Ah it was nothing." Gwaine assured. "Okay, just about time to cook."

"It's soaked in oil!"

"It'll be fine. Light the stove Arthur. Should be some kindle in there."

Perhaps Merlin had been right about the possibility of Camelot being burned down in such attempt of culinary arts. The floor was unctuous from the fallen chicken and its dressings/preppings. Arthur got the fire going, but when it was time to put the bird in, Gwaine missed the shelf. The chicken hit the top of the stove and became fully aflame, as the _chefs _scrambling to save it, slid on the messy floor, and landed flat on their arses.

Merlin and Guinevere fell into hysterics as the abused poultry turned to charcoal and the cooking lesson abruptly came to a smoky halt.

From his position on the floor, Arthur yelled at the two revealed spies. "Guinevere! MERLIN."

Gwaine giggled. Everything was a little funnier when you were sloshed to the gills. "Hee…how long have you two been there?"

Guinevere sighed. "Long enough."

Arthur pointed to his servant with rancor, trying to get up off the floor, but sliding down again as his hand hit a wet spot. "YOU. This is all your fault."

"_Oh_, are you still blaming Merlin?" Guinevere asked hotly.

Arthur held hard to the counter, managing with its bolstering help to finally rise to his feet. "Of course I am! If Merlin had just done what I told him and taught me-

Merlin countered back. "Well you wouldn't have had to be _taught _if you hadn't hit me in the first place."

"None of this would have happened if you would have just DUCKED."

Guinevere did not like that answer. "You still refuse to take responsibility after all THIS."

"I was trying to impress you, but it's Gwaine's fault that it didn't work out because he got DRUNK last night."

Guinevere argued heatedly, carefully stepping into the kitchen's entrance. "It is _your _own fault for not doing what you should have in the first place."

"And WHAT is that?"

Merlin lifted his eyebrows as Arthur actually yelled at his _dear Guinevere_.

Gwaine was still down on the floor watching everything with tickled amusement, as the burning chicken continued to disintegrate into ash.

Gwen even seemed taken aback, but she kept up her side well. "Apologize. To me and Merlin."

Arthur rolled his eyes, stubbornly sounding like a little petulant boy. His whole day had been one bloody mess after another. It was easier going out on the hunt, facing bandits and battling other kingdoms!

"NO. Not going to. Because you see Guinevere, _I _am Prince Arthur. And if I want to hit my servant with a simple saucer I will. And as for Merlin, he better run. Because there's no telling what I'm likely to do next. I'm the one who should get an apology, having to go through all THIS just to get you to talk to me again!"

Guinevere frowned. "Well I am talking to you. I'm saying-

She paused wretchedly. _Oh he could be so intolerable at times._"GOOD DAY ARTHUR."

"Oooooohhh not that! ARGH." Arthur ranted, but already Guinevere had slammed the door closed behind her.

Tapping his foot, the prince whispered quietly. "Run Merlin. Run."

_One. Two. Three._

Merlin couldn't help it. Had to be said. "Told you it wouldn't work."

_Four. Five._

The prince's foot started tapping faster.

Merlin watched it.

_Six. Seven._

"Run."

That deadly whisper again. Merlin looked to Gwaine. The knight shrugged drunkenly, still down on the floor after no one bothered helping him up.

_Eight. Nine._

Merlin whipped out the door.

_TEN._

Arthur raced.

_Forgot._

Landed.

_Splat._

Gwaine snorted.

The prince hit his head on the floor.

_His _fault.

All.

Merlin's fault.

The burnt chicken stared back at him.

Arthur could swear it was saying in a Merliny voice,

_Told you so._

**TTT**

Thanks for reading. Feedback will get you your own rubbery chicken, _nah_, thanks, hope you enjoyed.


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